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Once Upon A Time, I Was On A Roll.

Sorry, dedicated livejournal viewer (you know, the one that doesn't exist?).  It's been a while.  I was going pretty well for like, five days.  Then.. Well, then the internet crapped out on me and I was left with an inability to post anything.  I got out of the rhythm of regularly posting and I hate that.  I still REALLY want to do the 365 day challenge.  Its exactly that- a challenge- and I really want to go through with it... I just need to find a way to get in the habit of posting regularly again (and taking my camera with me everywhere).

In other news, I read a poem in front of an audience (albeit a small one) for the first time today =)  It went pretty okay.  I would have preferred to do one that wasn't so silly, but sometimes, that's what the world needs.

Here's the poem.  I'll try to get the 365 Challenge going again ASAP.

Ode to the Urchin
(The urchin will be referred to as a "wana," [pronounced vah-nuh] because that is what I grew up calling them in Hawaii)

Oh you little wana
I hold you in my hand.
I plucked you from the reef
and now I laze upon the sand.
My instincts say to fear you
but they do not understand
that your spindles will not hurt me
and the tickle I can withstand.

Slowly propelling across my palm
you're in search of a new home.
While I now have you in open air
you prefer the sea's foam.
But I found you on the reef,
for through it I did comb,
to find my little wana friend
so across my hand he'd roam.

Don't worry, little wana,
please know I'll put you back;
while I seem much larger,
I would never attack.
I marvel at your movements
and your body, brown and black,
I wish I could keep you always
but a home for you I lack.

Little wana, my new friend,
a safe haven is what you seek.
Your efforts, slow moving, are amazing,
and I shall soon help you cheat.
I'll put you back into the tides
somewhere dark and discrete;
and wana, while I loved you in my hands,
I hope you never meet my feet.


Oh, one more thing- please don't steal this. I know that all of ME looks at this site, but if you just so happen to come across it and LIKE it, please don't just snag it and claim it as yours. That's just WAY uncool and kind of undermines all of the work  I put into it... and will also make me lose hope in the internet. You can totally reference me, if you really want to. Just ask, and I'll be like, "Whoa... you LIKED that?! Sure! Here's my name." Bing. Done. Not a huge deal. But yeah, just please don't steal it.


Writer's Block: You're a shining star

If you could be a guest on any talk show, which would you choose and what would you talk about?

Hands DOWN, I would be on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.  Craig talks about anything and everything, and I can only hope that Secretariat (yes the horse) would also be on (you have to watch the show to get it).  I'd also love it if I could be a co-guest with Paula Deen, because the two of them together are hilarious and I want to try Paula's food too.  Lol.  So random, but if you watched the episode when she WAS on with Craig, you'd totally understand why.

I fail, but so does livejournal.

I would like it to be known that I TRIED to post today. I was going to post all of the pictures I missed AND a poem. But livejounal is being dumb and won't let me upload pictures from anywhere, so that will have to be delayed until tomorrow... Which should have a luau photo!!!

I guess I could still post a poem...

Okay, this one was directed at my ex when we were still together. It was supposed to be written similarly to a poet we were studying (Juliana Spahr), which will be the case for the first few poems I post... They were technically assignments, but I love them.  I was trying to, I guess, mimic her use of affection towards an unidentified subject and definitely drew from her repetitiveness and the way her words build off of each other.  I also liked how she addressed the fact that there is more outside of the private intimacy you create with someone you care about, so I tried to add that in a little too.

A Better Time Than This

From this bed I lay and I dream

From this bed I lay and I dream of a day with you, a specific day, a specific you.

From this bed I lay and I dream of a day with you, a specific day, a specific you.
That specific you and your specific self

From this bed I lay and I dream of a day with you, a specific day, a specific you.
That specific you and your specific self with your specific words enveloping me with your specific love

From this bed I lay and I dream of a day with you, a specific day, a specific you.
That specific you and your specific self with your specific words enveloping me with your specific love made specifically for me.

I dream of specific eyes and their specific gaze aimed specifically at mine with the specific purpose of making me stay.

They make me crave to stay in this moment forever.

That in this specific moment, everything is right. There is no distance between us and our happiness. There is no difference between us and our happiness. We are one.

There’s no need to think of our time being short.

That as we lay with only our gazes holding us down, the world continues on.

But we don’t think of that.

All we know, all we need know, is kept in a specific gaze. Beyond the gazes and beyond the moments and beyond the love and beyond the specificness of those gazes and those moments and that love, there is nothing.

And there is everything.

We know our time is short.

We know that we can’t remain together forever.

We know that a mixture of miles and minutes will tear us apart.

But in the moment, that future can’t exist. Not even the impending doom
that the present turning to the future brings can make us anything less than optimistic.

So instead, we only think of specific eyes and specific love and specific words and specific yous to keep faith in a future that can’t be ours.

But it’s that specific faith that holds us together.

That specific love that bonds the present with an optimistic future where we will once again have specific gazes holding us to the moment, making it both fleeting and infinite.

But for now, from where I lay and from where I dream, all I have are the memories of moments and the memories of gazes and the memories of words enveloping us with love within those moments and gazes

and the memories are not enough.

Oh, one more thing- please don't steal this.  I know that all of ME looks at this site, but if you just so happen to come across it and LIKE it, please don't just snag it and claim it as yours.  That's just WAY uncool and kind of undermines all of the work and emotion I put into it... and will also make me lose hope in the internet, cause this is the first time I'm putting something up like this.  You can totally reference me, if you really want to.  Just ask, and I'll be like, "Whoa... you LIKED that?!  Sure!  Here's my name."  Bing.  Done.  Not a huge deal.  But yeah, just please don't steal it.

Writer's Block: It must be love

Do you remember your first crush? Did you ever tell that person about your feelings?

I remember my first crush very vaguely.  His name was David and we went to preschool together.  There's pictures of us in old family albums from birthdays at school, ones of only us, like our parents (or my parents, rather) said, "Okay, now one of just Caiti and David!" =)  They're adorable.  I'm pretty sure he knew I liked him- it was a mutual thing, our love affair =P

I haven't seen him since I was 4 years old.

Belated (004)

 Today was ridiculously ordinary.

I got up and went to work.  Nothing new or exciting there.

I came back from work and went to work out (I WAS going to post a picture that would serve as my "before", seeing as I want to get in shape, but the day had different plans for me).

I went to Walmart with my roommate and her boyfriend.  We bought scratch cards at both 7/11 and Safeway.  We got milkshakes from Jack in the Box on the way back.  Nothing nifty or exciting there.

Then we got back.  We had a frozen lasagna that we were going to use for my birthday (which was on the 14th), but I had late classes that night and I guess we were too busy(? aka, some of my roommates didn't bother planning anything, even though I plan elaborate surprises and cook for them for all of their birthdays.  Not that this upsets me or anything -____-).

Thanks to Kelli though, it turned into a mini-surprise-belated-birthday =)  After dinner, Kelli (the roommate that I went to Walmart with) went to do dishes with her boyfriend and I went back into my room.  Then I heard them come in and put away dishes, nothing cool or amazing.   Then she yelled that she needed my help.  I turned the corner and she was holding a plate of stacked and iced cupcakes with a pink candle on top.  Her boyfriend and another roommate of mine, Steph, were standing there too and I was laughing, mostly because I hadn't expected to see them all there and had jumped a little.  I got my little birthday after all =)

This is a crappy picture I got on my phone.  When Kelli downloads her pictures, I'll post another one.



 So far, so good =)  

Besides posting a picture, I figure I'd update the interwebs on how shit is going.

It's spring break.  I haven't done anything spring-breakish, which sucks more than you could possibly know.  

I cried my eyes out last night over someone that no longer matters in my life and then this morning at work (yeah, I'm working during spring break), I cut my finger on a binder O_o  Yeah.. I know.. Skill.  Hence today's picture.

I've been listening to "local style" music (I'm from Hawai`i, so when I say "local," I mean local to the islands) and have been getting super homesick.  It makes me want to move back- screw school and all the drama of living up here; I don't need it.  The only thing stopping me is how much moving back sounds like failure to my ears.  I'm torn between feeling like I failed myself- about moving back meaning that I'd probly feel regret about it- and dealing with all the drama up here.  It's not like I'm completely depressed... It only hits sometimes.  And when it does-- it's bad.

My abnormal psychology professor once told me I wasn't allowed to diagnose my friends.  She said nothing about myself.  I think I might be bipolar- just a little- or possibly have borderline personality disorder.  I think BPD is more likely my diagnosis, but being bipolar would explain my ridiculous switches from being unbelievable happy to, well, bawling about people that don't matter anymore to being livid at my roommates for, essentially nothing.

Unfortunately for me (and anyone that happens to stumble upon this (oh shit, I hope this doesn't get onto StumbleUpon)), not only will I have the happy blogs where I'm happy and proud of myself for posting pictures and stuff.  There will also be this.


Why can't I just be happy always?  It's such a better predisposition.


Day 002

 Hooray! Look at me go!  Two days in a ROW!!! Woot woot! -___- I know, I'm lame, but hey, here's photo two!

Go me =)


I suck (sorta).

 I know I was supposed to start posting everyday, but I'm only human and need to get in the habit... which should come into action since I now have a plan.

But first- leaving you in suspense- let me let you in on what you've missed since I've been away.

-I turned 20 on the 14th (Hellz yeah! go me!!! =D)
-I made a new best friend.
-I lost a best friend (they didn't die, I just realized that the friendship was bringing me down instead of lifting me up).
-I've developed a master plan (ahaha, yeah right).
-I've gone to Portland.
-I've returned from Portland.
-I wrote a satiric/ spoof/ mock essay on underaged drinking.
-I cut my bangs.
-I poked a new hole in my belt because it was too big.
-I bought art.

I think that's enough catching up.

Now for the master plan.  I'm going to do the 365 project.  You know, the posting of one photo every day for a year.  It will be hard (really hard) considering as I kind of suck at being consistent... but I'm gonna do it.  If I miss a day, I'll post three or four photos to make up for being lame.  I think it's a great plan.  Without further ado, here's photo one.  Enjoy =)


The reason I started to hate blinking.

So, I've been ill.  Had a migraine that lasted four days (FINALLY went away yesterday!!! SUCCESS!!!), runny nose, sneezing, and I have this cough that sounds like a dog barking/ choking (as eloquently stated by my room mate).

In other words- ew.

I hate being sick.  I avoid it at, well, not ALL costs, but pretty close. I'm forgetful and don't take daily vitamins.  I don't eat vegetables/ fruits regularly.  I don't drink enough water.  However, I will boost my immune system into fucking overdrive if I even THINK I'm getting sick.  Drinking fruit juices high in vitamin C, eating salads, avoiding dairy and greasy foods, you name it.

I'm from a family where if you're sick, sucks to be you.  I mean, if you're ~dying~, you have our sympathy, but you better be on a cocktail of antibiotics and horse tranquilizers and your symptom sandwich comes with the works or else... well... bummer.  I've gone to school nauseous, with colds, coughs, aching this, oozing that, take a pill at lunch, "I'm sorry you feel like Jesus is trying to take you to Heaven right now, but you have school in the morning.  Ask Him to make up his mind before then cause if you're still here, your ass is in class."  My mother had very little sympathy when I was what most people would call "sick".  My friends would miss school because they had a stomach ache or a cough.  I was there.  With both symptoms.  Plus chills.  And I threw up at lunch.  Still made it through the day though!

That being said, when I started my little cough (it really did start as a "little" cough.  Almost cute.  Like, "Awww the widdle cawf wants to come out to pway wiff uss ^-^."), I didn't really care all that much.  I keep a stash of cough drops (a HUGE bag- like bulk sized) for such occasions and have a few Nyquil/ Dayquil pills lying around for if things get way out of control.  No biggie.  One of my room mates took it upon herself to tell me I looked like I had a fever.  In other words, "You look like shit and I've been bitchy lately, so I'm gonna pretend I have maternal instincts.  Now watch as I rifle through my shit for my thermometer."  This was when I jumped my sick ass out of bed with the speed and agility of a high-leveled pokemon and got my own thermometer (which read a perfect 98.6, thank you very much).  At this stage in my illness, I wasn't all that concerned.  It was a cough.  People cough all the time.  So it sounds a little deeper.  Big whoop (no pun intended).   But then----- the migraine.  I've never had a migraine before, so I had no idea what was going on.  I though, "Oh, I'm under stress so I haven't been eating the right foods or drinking enough water, so I just have a headache."  Nope.  Very very wrong.  I've had bad headaches- pop two Advil Liquigels and I'm good to go like Taco Bell.  This... This was Hell.  Pain behind my eyes, got worse, got a little better, then much MUCH worse.  It made me queasy.  Advil didn't help; Advil made the migraine gods angry and for such insolence, they punished me further.  For four days, when I was supposed to be studying and starting pledging events for my sorority (of which I am a co-pledge captain.. meaning I am a very, VERY busy bee for pledge week), I was in constant pain.  Eventually, Excedrin (migraine strength) worked (thank GOD!) but in the mean time, I dreaded the act of blinking - yes BLINKING - because it hurt so very bad.

Now that the migraine is gone, I'm doing much better.  As much fun as sitting in the bath tub with the shower running, eyes closed, trying to relax or find anything to ease the pain was, I don't think I'll miss it all that much.  My nose still runs like it's training for a marathon and my cough sounds like a really OLD dog barking, but hey, at least i can blink in peace.

In other news, a tsunami alert was signaled for Hawaii (my home, though I'm at my college right now on the mainland) due to a huge earthquake in Japan.  Praying for my family to be safe, including my brother, who is stranded at my house while the rest of my family is at my grandmother's house.

UPDATE: My mom is going to get my brother.  For some reason, the fact that this was necessary makes me lol.

Writer's Block: You're my best friend

If you could shrink any animal down to miniature size and carry it around in your pocket, which animal would you choose?

Either a rhinoceros, and elephant, or a panda.  Have you ever SEEN a baby rhino?!  If not, I feel so sorry for you because, oh my goodness, they're SO adorable.  Mini elephant?  Heck yes!  They're adorable in the miniature as well.  And pandas?  Come one.  I would want one life-sized in my dorm if I could have it but in MINIATURE?! I wouldn't know what to do with that much raw adorable-ness in my pocket.